Bring Me To Life

No, not just a reference to an angst-ridden (though oddly pertinent) Evanescence song.  The blog is making a return!

Why now? After the months of silence and empty promises (I imagine my audience asking)?  It all comes down to the combination of an enormous amount of stress, three friends and a Tennesse Williams quote.

I am under a lot of stress.  Let’s just take that as a given.  I’m a senior at a highly competitive college who doesn’t know what to do with her next year (I’m not even THINKING about what to do with my life yet).  I’m in classes with grad students.  The football team refuses to decide a game before the last 2 minutes of play.  I get a wisdom tooth out in a week and a half.  Stress is really just a given.

Those of you who know me know that when I get stressed, I don’t always think straight.  Or at all really.  I get really tired and overwhelmed and I just can’t process what is happening in my life.  So I usually use this as an excuse to procrastinate.

This is about where I was a few days ago.  So I was looking through my friend Laura’s blog, the Bronzed Shoe Archives, because she and her boyfriend had been mentioning various posts to me recently.  I sat in awe of her ability to keep writing.  Also, of her ability to attract a readership, but that’s what happens when you’re as genuine and dedicated as Laura is.  I mostly tuck this in the back of my mind.

I got an e-mail earlier this week from my friend Isaac about some Quidditch stuff (My Sidenote Advice to you all: don’t become organizers of fictional sports.  It’s a lot of work, removes a lot of the fun and everyone STILL looks at you as though you’re crazy).  In a sidenote of his own, Isaac mentioned my blog, which he generously described as “almost defunct”.  It was the first time I had really recalled this blog in a while.  Out of curiosity (in the hopes of procrastinating further) I took a look.

I read the Tennessee Williams quote I put in the banner at the top of the page all the way back in January when I first thought I’d try this blog thing.  “And it was then, about that time, that I began to find life unsatisfactory as an explanation of itself and was forced to adopt the method of the artist of not explaining but of putting the blocks together in some other way that seems more significant to him.  Which is a rather fancy way of saying I started writing.”

And then it all kind of hit me.  I write because it helps me think.  Not analytical writing, not the response papers my professors require any time I read anything, but story-telling.  Reflecting.  Exploring.  Whining.  Reaching out somehow.

A blog is a rather public medium, even if you don’t have a rabid fanbase (as I am sure I do not).  Still, what I write here is inherently accessible to anyone.  Is it really the best place to be sorting everything out?

This is where that third friend, Katherine, comes in.  When we were discussing the benefits and frustrations of our creative writing class, she stated that the one great thing about it was that we had deadlines and an audience, and were therefore held accountable for our writing.  I agreed with her then, without thinking about it too much, but it’s been coming back to me.

I need a certain amount of accountability in my life.  I need due dates for presentations, reasons to clean my room and people to hear my thoughts.  So, no, this blog can’t be used for some of the really deep, personal struggles that I face.  It can, however, be used for the purpose I have finally remembered that I created it for: to articulate what I experience in a meaningful way.   Do you care?  Maybe not.  However, even the chance that you might read this forces me to own my ideas, and that can only be a good thing.

At the very least, it’ll cause me to recognize the angst and force it back into the diaries and the Evanescense albums where it belongs.

Victory Is Mine (but swine flu is not)

I’m hard-pressed to describe the miraculous exhilaration that comes with the morning after a successful all-nighter.  I had forgotten what it feels like- the sun is up, the ten pages are written, and not only am I still breathing but I am still standing.  I said a cheerful good morning to no fewer than six people already, and I have not felt this energetic since spring break.  I may just be slap-happy, but I am at work in the hall office with my breakfast, my enormous pile of clean laundry and a light heart.

I am in love with life…. at least until this afternoon when I move onto the next paper in the to-do pile.  Still, I’ve been told that junior year is the roughest academically, and let me tell you, I can see why.  I have high hopes for a less-disastrous senior year, not the least of which is being healthy.

Oh yeah, on that note, a case of swine flu has been reported at Notre Dame, and contrary to popular belief, it’s not me.  I’m currently about the healthiest I have been all semester.  While that may not be saying much, it is at least saying that I’m not in immediate mortal danger from respiratory distress (although the Notre Dame student who did have swine flu is safe as well- completely recovered).  I appreciate the kind thoughts of those of you who were concerned.

For those who are actually infected by this new pandemic, I offer my own kind thoughts and fervent prayers.  May the scientific and political communities of the world mobilize to prevent as many deaths as possible, and may God grant comfort to the loved ones of those whose lives are lost.

Why this blog fails at life: The Sequel

So, first I took a spring break trip to Florida.  It was amazing, thanks for asking.  Then I got back to school, and I’ve been overworked, sick, overworked a lot, really sick, more sick, learned what being overworked REALLY means, took a quick Easter break, and am now back to being overworked and probably sick.

This is a bit more of an apology than an explanation (You don’t really want to hear about me being sick.  Trust me…. or at least trust the people I have given excruciating details to in real life).  I’m not entirely sure who I’m apologizing to, because I don’t think anyone other than Laura actually reads this, and I’ve been talking to her enough that she won’t miss it.  Still, it makes me feel better to pretend that I have readers who might actually be let down by my lack of blogging consistency.

So here it is, an actual plan:

There will be a post by the end of Friday night.

No, really.

teaser post

I’m sorry for not posting, I really am, but I’ve been very busy working on a very exciting opportunity (and on all the normal stuff).  I hope to make some announcements in the next few weeks, but in the meantime pray for my ability to get work done, stay sane and be creative and productive.

I will create posts this weekend, I promise.

Why this blog fails at life

I’m sure you’ve noticed a decided lack of greennotebook entries.  It’s been… two weeks, at least.

I have a lot I could write about; that isn’t the problem.  There are lots of big questions about God and life and writing I’ve been pondering, and my ministry is becoming, well, active.

I’m encountering issues of time, yes, but more importantly issues of other people.  My boyfriend has already expressed concern; he doesn’t want the details of our relationship splashed across cyberspace.  What about ministry, too?  Someone comes to talk to me, and then three days later, their issues are explored in my blog?  Whether or not I’d reveal their identities (and I wouldn’t) I can’t imagine such a publication would be encouraging or comfortable for those I talk and minister to.

So, I’m afraid, while I’m working out how to deal with this, blog entries might be scant.  After this weekend’s choir tour, I think I’ll be back with a vengeance, but until then, pray for me and for all the Celebration Choir and Vision kiddies who are figuring out this sort of stuff with me.

notes from Martha

You may have noticed that it’s been a very long time since I updated.  Originally, that was because I have a series of blogs planned about my experience in Washington DC at the March for Life and I wanted to do things chronologically.  I did give up on that idea, as the fleshing out of that series is taking a bit of time, but I also got very, very busy.  Days this week have stretched 13, 14 hours at a time, where I have not been able to sit down long enough to do anything besides homework or eating, and even those activities have been pushed to later in the evening than I’d like.  As I type this now at 11:30 pm, I’m finishing up my dinner.  My classmate Tony says to pretend I’m Italian.

I’m doing a lot of cool things, and thinking some cool thoughts as I’m doing it.  I’m still president of Celebration Choir, and as my sister was kind enough to point out today, our Tour to my hometown is in two weeks.  I’m organizing that, planning elections. and trying to learn music.  I have my other choir on the side.  I have five classes with lots of reading.  I have a job.  I’m planning a retreat for my dorm and a Eucharistic Procession across campus (no, I’m not planning either of those on my own).  I have 500 e-mails that are unread in my inbox.  I have a lot to do.

I think I understand very well how Martha felt when she demanded that her sister get up from the floor and help her take care of the house when Jesus visited (Luke 10:38-42).  Some days it is so frustrating to be the one taking care of all the details, watching others sit in contemplation, enjoying the peace they get for your labors.  As I said, I have cool thoughts!  I just have no time to develop them.  I would like to think that I’m good at organizing things and taking care of people, however.  The key is to remember that I’ll get to drop it all eventually, and to schedule little breaks for thinking, contemplating and relaxing.  Jesus never said that Martha’s work wasn’t needed or appreciated, only that it would be taken from her some day.  Mary had chosen the better part, the part that we will all be called to eventually.

That’s why I signed up for an Adoration timeslot this semester.  I have my half hour of reverent contemplation…. carefully scheduled in each Thursday morning.  I have to go…. and once I do, I can lose myself.  I don’t bring a watch.  I know when the next round of kids shows up that it’s time to go.  For half an hour, I can just sit and pray and think and listen to whatever my God is telling me.

Then, of course, it’s back to the fast-paced world.  I had a moment today as I buttoned up my coat to leave CoMo that made me very, very grateful for Eucharistic Adoration, but in a sad way.  Standing in the hallway, staring into the chapel through the stained glass in the door, I felt an acute sense of loss.

Yet, I am to be a Martha in this world and I do not have time to sit in the presence of Jesus all day.

 

………….

The blog series previously mentioned will hopefully make its appearance this weekend.  Prayers for my choir…. and my sanity…. are greatly appreciated, always.  Also, don’t worry.  I’m getting enough sleep.  I’m just very, very grateful that the weekend is here.

TGIM (I probably won’t update on weekends)

All right, let’s be honest.

I don’t have class on Fridays. While this could cause many undergraduates to waste the whole day, I persevered this first Friday off and accomplished a fair amount of work, while still managing to sleep in.

This meant I could waste all of Sunday.

Weekends are busy enough without homework, which is why I was able to make the effort on Friday.  I had a girls’ night on Friday, hanging out with some good friends I haven’t spent time with since before break.  Saturday was consumed with a movie watch and then a trip to Indianapolis with my boyfriend and my good friend Joey for the Fiction Family concert.  Fiction Family is the combination of all the musical talent and energy of Switchfoot’s Jon Foreman and Nickel Creek’s Sean Watkins.  I would highly recommend the band to all of you (<fictionfamily.com>)  I would not recommend seeing them on a trip that requires driving back home over three hours in heavily falling snow like we did, but if you must, you must.  My Sunday was eaten up with a choir rehearsal, a mandatory meeting for the March to Life trip and lots of episodes of Star Trek: Voyager.  Lots and lots of episodes.   End the day with dorm Mass (complete with lectoring & choir-ing) and a rosary said outside in the falling snow.  All in all, it was a phenomenal weekend, with nothing too radically different from your average weekend (except for the three-hour drive).  It’s random, sure, and could probably use a little more structure, but that’s what Monday’s for.  I start the week rested, though a little dizzy from activity and looking forward to the structure and routines of the week.

Suddenly, that empty Friday makes me look smart and not just like a lazy college student.

 

There will be pictures from the Indy trip when I get my hands on my sister’s camera cable, seeing as I had to borrow her camera to even take the pictures.

Happy Monday!

All Points Bulletin

I’m writing again! and it’s going to be good!

Holy Shit, I’m a catechist (or, back in the shrinking bubble)

There’s not a lot of time for writing this morning (I spent much more on homework…. gosh, this responsibility kick is obnoxious), but I had to rejoice/panic just a little at the start of the new semester.

I was sitting in my ND Vocation Initiative class yesterday.  The class is basically a theological and practical prepartion for my summer job as a resident-counselor aka mentor-in-faith for the ND Vision program for high schoolers.  As Jan Poorman, the professor, told us, she’s going to try and give us the tools to be better catechists as we assist the high schoolers on their journeys of faith.

Holy shit, I’m a catechist.  When did that happen?  It hints all too forcefully at a world outside of the golden bubble of an undergrad institution Notre Dame has become for me and countless others.  My rector says that Jesus is in the process of tricking me into a career in ministry.  My current plan (holy shit, I have a career plan?!?) is actually to be a teen librarian.  We’ll see what happens.

I have to say, I was much happier when one of my instructors infringed on a registered trademark, justified the illegality of the situation with the notion that it was for the Church, and my bubble of joyous stumbling toward the Lord in my protected institution was restored.

Of course, it was restored completely last night when I read the latest (and hopefully last) article about Quidditch on the Quad.  It’s the best article so far, in my opinion.  If you’re curious, you can find it online at the Notre Dame Magazine site.  Maybe I’ll post a link later when I’m not late for class.

 

Responsibility kick, I swear.

New Year’s Resolutions (starting whenever I feel like)

Hello, whoever actually reads this!

It’s the start of a new year (more or less) and as always, I have some aspirations to better behavior.  In the efforts of actually keeping at least some of the resolutions I make, I generally skew the start date to start with the new semester, not the new year.  Of course, what that really means is that whenever I actually get around to attempting to start a resolution is about when I get around to actually trying to stick with it.  It’s the change, not the date it starts, that matters.

What any of this has to do with you depends mostly on who you are (again, who is actually reading this?).  I admit that a blog is not one of my resolutions, actual or implied.  It is in keeping, however, with my resolutions that sort of involve writing more and making more of an active effort in reaching out to people (especially a few certain people).

Whoever you are, I welcome you to my blog.  If you think certain parts of this opening segment refer to you, then I better hear from you.  My love to you all, even you strangers who have stumbled into this quite on accident.

Happy New Year, New Semester, New Presidential Regime, New Snow, or However It Is you’re keeping track.