Lent

 

Rocking my ashes. Happy Lent!

There is too much busy in my life.

This is not the same thing as being overscheduled, or having too much to do, or even feeling overwhelmed by my to-do list, although the case for all of those can be made.

No, this has something more to do with sitting down to watch television, play Spider Solitaire and eat all at once.  It’s reading a book and listening to music at the same time.  It’s having a job where I sit at a computer with two e-mail accounts, a Facebook page and a Twitter feed are all going at once.  It’s the pile of books and schoolwork and DVD cases on my table.  It’s not being able to settle, to focus, to create an interior (or exterior) space.

I haven’t painted in months, and I haven’t written any poetry in even longer.  I struggle to complete my schoolwork and to keep up with my work work.

I am isolating myself inside all of my bustle.  I have not necessarily been quiet in my acknowledgement that I am finding life in Wisconsin challenging.  I miss my communities (PULSE, my ND friends of all varieties, my family) with a ferocity that surprises me.  I don’t have the network here that I am used to having (I am not making friends as easily as I am used to making them).  The noise, both aural and visual, that I surround myself with is becoming some sort of buffer between myself and the world.  It’s a weird sort of consolation/excuse for my lack of actual human interaction.  I spend all day surfing the Internet without even making the kind of Internet friends I had during my Mugglenet Fanfiction heyday.

I almost made all of that worse for Lent.

I’m giving up meat for Lent again, which was something of a foregone conclusion for me.  Yes, it’s becoming quite the pattern (habit?), but it really ties me into the liturgical cycle of the Church, something I’ve grown more and more appreciative of recently.  More specifically focused on this year, it forces me to PLAN OUT my lunch/dinner/whatever I’m eating at school/work this time rather than just running out to Starbucks/McDonald’s/Jimmy John’s to buy something.  That has been turning into too much of an expensive habit.

But I don’t like just giving up something negative… I wanted to do something positive.  So I decided I was going to post on this blog 40 times during Lent.  That translates to every day.  I’m posting on the Ladies of Our Lady blog each Friday from now on, so that would be my day off.  After all, this is a project of mine that I like a lot.  My mother still tries to use it to keep up with what I’m doing (Luckily, Mom also has my phone number and isn’t afraid to use it.  I’ve actually seen her in person three times—in three different states—since my last post).  I think we can all agree that this blog has been a pretty boring place since I moved to Wisconsin.

A very good friend of mine revitalized her blogging last week, and her decision made me acutely aware of some of my failures in communication.  Sitting at my table last night, finishing a letter to said friend I had started last week, I realized a few important but subtle points I may have neglected in my first epiphany.  The first was that in all of my busy-ness that day getting excited over some youth ministry projects and an exciting Ladies of Our Lady announcement, I had forgotten to post.  On the first day of my 40 day project.  OOPS.

The second was a re-evaluation of why I blog.  Is it to reach out to people that I know?  To create an Internet presence?  Because I like shouting at the top of my lungs into great empty voids to see if anyone can hear me?  Chances are it wasn’t the first, because if reaching out to my friends and family was really my goal, I would be content to finish hand-writing that letter instead of fussing about the blog.

So if the blog has turned itself into more noise than anything else, what am I doing to reach out to actual people?  WHY has it taken me this long to nicely write out the letter that I created in draft form last week (note:  I’m still not done)?  Have I called any of my friends or family members this week?  There are friends I haven’t spoken to since they got married last summer.  There are stacks of letters and goodies that I’ve been meaning to put in boxes and mail to my friends for months.  They’re on top of the canvas my boyfriend gave me to paint and the two scarves I’m knitting and the nice notebook I haven’t touched in as long as I can remember.

I’ve been watching a lot of old Criminal Minds episodes lately, and two characters had an exchange that caught my attention.  One, quoting Samuel Beckett, said “Ever tried.  Ever failed.  No matter.  Try again.  Fail again.  Fail better.”  The other retorted with a bit of well-placed Yoda.  “Do or do not.  There is no try.”

In all of my attempts, in all of my noise, I’ve stopped doing. 

So I still plan on reviving this blog during Lent.  I’m just not going to be posting every day.  It’s a good thing, but it’s not really being an effective way to reach out to the people I love.

I will be writing letters, though, and e-mails.  Every day, I am writing to someone, preferably in print form.  I have a lot of nice stationary and postcards that are just begging for some fountain pen action.

Beyond all of that, I will be clearing space in my life.  That’s what I’ll write about here.  This is going to be a Lent for prayer, fasting & almsgiving, but also for creating the space that allows God in.

Pray for me!

Oh, and if you want a letter, drop me a comment.  If I don’t already have your contact info, I’ll ask for it.  I’m looking forward to being in touch.